Today is THAT day!!

Delaying happiness... and my top tip....

Do you find yourself thinking, ‘when we move’ or ‘when I’m qualified’ or ‘when I get a new job,’ or ‘when the kids are a bit older’, then I’ll be happier, or then things will be easier?

I often think ‘when our youngest starts school…’ or ‘when we’ve moved house.’ And there are things that probably will ease a bit, but really, life is ever changing and shifting, and as one problem resolves or disperses, I’ve found that often, -but not always-, another one appears. Not necessarily a problem as such, sometimes a slight disadvantage, a little barrier to your day, something slightly less easy than before.

The new place is great, but yeah, it is further from the station. Or yes, she’s sleeping through - which is AMAZING, but she’s really struggling with nursery at the moment. Or you get the promotion you’d worked for years towards, but the added responsibility makes your life noticeably more stressful and so you sort of wonder, on balance, whether it was worth it or not. Or maybe something eases in your home life, but pressure at work increases unexpectedly.

My current (first world problem) situation is that our flat is on the small side. It was originally a two bed, but my capable partner made the dining room into a third bedroom. The kitchen is a little galley kitchen, but the living room is a good size and looks out onto the front garden with trees beyond which is lovely and green. We can watch the squirrels and feed the birds and it was a dream during Covid. (We opened up the sash windows and because we are half underground, the children just climbed in and out, at ground level -and do you remember the clear air and the glorious, sparkling sunshine of that spring?)

Anyway, currently our youngest is still in a cot in our room as there’s no obvious place to move her and she’s over 2 now, it’s not ideal. I’d much rather there was space for her in with the others, but then again, the nights when she’s unsettled, sometimes I can just talk to her and she goes back to sleep, I don’t even have to get out of bed. (Not this morning mind, she was up at 5.20 for the day!🤪)

We have four children so the space can feel busy, and sometimes it is far too loud for me….. but then again, their noise levels wouldn’t necessarily be less in a bigger space…. but it’s certainly less stairs and hallways, less en-suite bathrooms to clean.

I always hoped I’d live in a beautiful Victorian house with a shabby handmade kitchen opening onto a dining room and an extensive garden. Here we are in a basement flat, a modern conversion, though it is in a beautiful bath stone fronted building. Everything is on one level, all the rooms are easy to access, we have a bathroom and three bedrooms. Our teenager has her own room. The flat comes with gardens both front and back. Sometimes people ask how we manage with such a small kitchen, but the truth is it forces you to be mindful of what you need. We don’t have loads of appliances, but those we do have are well used. We don’t have space for a microwave or an air fryer, but it’s easy enough to find ways around that. It pretty much ticks all the boxes and actually operates really well. (As long as there’s no more than a couple of people in there).

In fact, this weekend we had our friends round, who also have four children, plus both my Dad and my father in law! It went really well, people didn’t mind sitting on the floor and we were milling inside and out to the garden as the weather was fine. With a bit of organisation we managed to feed everyone a simple lunch, it was great and really recalibrated my idea of the space and reminded me that we really can invite people round.

It’s easy to get caught up in the idea of something better in the future (and so much in our society is set up to keep us thinking this way….) but I think what I’m trying to say is that the idea of putting happiness off, to a point in the future, well, it isn't failsafe, it doesn’t necessarily work. It has some serious loopholes. It reminds me of the connection between money and happiness, how happy is Elon Musk do you think? He doesn’t exude contentment to me….I think my happiness level would give his a good run for its money…..

This might be obvious, but I’ve been increasingly realising that I need to find a way to appreciate the good bits today, we never know what will happen tomorrow. (Isn’t it crazy that we all manage to mostly live competently with that knowledge, that at any moment, our life, or our loved ones lives could just end?! That’s for another post.)

The great day I’m looking forward to (and maybe you are) is today! I had an old friend whose life was going well, I think he was actually pretty happy and content, but out of nowhere he found a lump in his neck. Saw the doctor, had some tests, and was told he probably only had months to live. He died the following autumn. I’ve lost two other dear friends unexpectedly in the past two years, both in their early 40’s. Life can just come and go and what I’m trying to be more aware of is looking for those amazing bits that are present today.

A while ago a couple of family members asked me if I wanted to be part of their ‘Gratitude’s’ WhatsApp group, well, my younger self would have scorned and rolled her eyes, but I politely said ‘yes please’ and now can NOT recommend this highly enough!!!! I post sporadically, as do they, (we send photos too…) but usually once or twice a week at least. The joy it brings me to hear the lovely little things that have brought them happiness, a nice cup of coffee with an old friend, a cold water swim, helping her elderly mum to have a shower, and to hear the little details of their days is such a pleasure. As they live in Ireland, while we are in England, it also strengthens the daily details of connection between us and feels like we are less distant somehow.

To stop and think about what has been lovely in my average domestic day is surprisingly powerful. I think one of the clever parts of it is that, however difficult a day has been, it asks the question of you, ‘but what HAS been nice today?’

At the end of the summer we had a really hard week, I was already strung out as it had been almost 6 weeks with the kids with no time alone. ( I think I had 2-3 hours by myself twice, which to be honest, I find pretty hard) Our youngest still wasn’t sleeping through and we had a huge amount of extra work on which we had to shoehorn in to busy days with the children. The job was 2 hours away so we stayed there for a week, during which we were both working far too hard / I was caring for the children for what felt like far too many hours. I ended up having to take the toddler to hospital due to a string of nights of 39 degree fevers, we had an awful argument, she had 5 nights in a row where she was up for hours in the night and couldn’t sleep, (later I realised it was the sugar in the paracetamol which none of our older three had been sensitive to!) …..Anyway, we ended up having to delay our return home right up to late the night before 3 of the kids were due back at school. Then, just as we were finally loading up the van to drive home in the dark, way after bedtime, a sickness bug hit our 4 year old. Then proceeded to travel through 5 of us over the following week.

I felt like I had begun running on empty a week earlier and it was, to be honest, a horribly gruelling time!

However, a few days later, (maybe a week…) I thought, well, if I can ‘gratitude’ that week it’ll be a good challenge, so I looked at each stressful moment and found some good in it, eg. it was only a quick sickness bug, not something much worse. We were lucky that the older kids didn’t need to miss school initially as we got home that night eventually. My partner and I drew together more strongly because we had been under so much pressure. We’d been able to spend more time with family who live near the job, who we wouldn’t have seen otherwise. I was now appreciating SO MUCH the time alone I was getting now they were back at school -and the littlest still naps. There were, of course, lots of good things. It was a good exercise for me.

There are lots of ways to do this, a little notebook you scribble 3 good things in each night before bed, speaking the good parts of the day to a friend, in a voicenote on your phone…. or to a partner over dinner, listing them in your head as you brush your teeth…. but for me there is something about the whatsapp group that works especially well.

The two way nature of it, the fact that in my case, due to physical distance we naturally miss so much of each others lives, the gentle prompt that is hearing someone else’s happy times. When life is so fast paced, it can be hard to stop and appreciate things. I like the way the history of our chat is such an enjoyable tapestry, which also reminds me of lots of tiny nice things I’ve already forgotten.

I think what my ‘Gratitude’s’ group does is it slowly rewires my brain into looking for the positives, which, even if I don’t get around to actually typing into a message, almost doesn’t matter as I’ve already gained something because my brain is primed to notice the positives. I really enjoy writing out my messages and adding photos, it feels really good and it has honestly, quietly, changed my life.